positive changes

I wanted to share a fantastic documentary I just watched, "dünya dinlemiyor" by Phil Collins. It's an hour-long karaoke session of Turkish fans singing songs from The Smiths album "The World Won't Listen". For a huge fan of The Smiths, who still knows all the lyrics to all of their songs (despite not having listened to them in over ten years now!) this was awesome. Obviously, for some of them you have to fast forward because tone deafness is funny only in small doses, but there are several which are really good. Check out the girl at 33:00 and you'll see a close approximation of me at 17, I was even singing in a band full of The Smiths fans, and I'm not even kidding. Last performance before the credits is heart breaking, if you are a fan, you'll know what I mean.

It's been an exhausting time lately. I've been working on a project for months and it's all coming to fruition now, to be completed on 6th of September. I'm beyond excited and tired, because I've had to contend with a minor injury as well as keep up with my other jobs and editing my lovely novel, which is shaping up nicely, if you were wondering. I decided to write a sci-fi short story, some 10k words or so, which will show rather than tell an aspect of the plot. Even though I didn't anticipate to be writing too much in the editing stage, the book is already 130k long and I'd like for it to stay there, the changes I'm making are improving the story so much, I know in my heart of hearts that I'm on the right track.

September is also a time of a difficult anniversary for me. Every year, the flashbacks and nightmares start six weeks before 7th September, and seismic shocks to my sense of safety continue to reverberate for a couple of weeks after, so by the time September is over, I'm completely wrung out. A while back I wrote a poem about it which still rings true, albeit from a greater distance than ever before.

It's been nineteen years
Since you entered my life,
Knocked me out cold,
Sliced through me like a knife.

I tried to purge you out,
Eviscerate you in my dreams,
I threw you up, forgot about,
Drowned myself in screams.

They said you were a ghost,
Your life left you in vain,
With her went the children,
And your shiny mane.

What I can't get over is,
How you kept your job,
Access to hypnotics,
And holes to crawl into and rob.

Porcelain skin doll and ebony hair,
Red lips leaving trace on your worm,
Like something from Kurosawa movies, you said,
As I hugged the floor, refusing to squirm.

It's been a wonderful gift to have this fantastic, life-changing project succeed at this crucial time, to reset my system from worry to gratitude and hopeful anticipation. I've been daydreaming instead of dreading, and that means so much.

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